I remember it as if it had been yesterday. Having won a small lottery, I decided it would be in excellent taste to throw a small cocktail party. There would be everything one could need there: red wine, white wine, sparkling wine, Zimas, Tequizas. The lighting would be dim but not dark. Bing Crosby would be playing in the background.

I dressed my finest for the event and 300 people showed up - the best and beautiful.

Being an intellectual crowd, the topic of conversation slowly drifted toward god. Is there a god? What does he do? In what ways does he operate? How does he think? Being a social darwinist, naturally, I rejected the entire argument with a flip joke denouncing all gods as alcoholics and misogynists.

Little did I realize that the statue of a Buddhist monk someone had given me as a housewarming gift (pictured to the left) contained the a trapped and angry Buddhist spirit with enormous powers of destruction. I had crossed him and now he intended to destroy my physical body and cast me into a place between space and time.

After the guests had departed, I sat in a new chair and finished off my Merlot. All of a sudden, I heard the multi-tonal groaning of an entire Tibetan choir. Giant shafts of light entered the room; my perception of shapes and sizes began to alter wildly. Giant needles of pain pushed deep within my skull. I writhed in pain and agony, unable to think, unable to perceive.

When I awoke, my tuxedo had been stripped of me and instead I wore the garb of an Alaskan fisherman. My home had been turned into a small cabin without running water. I had a terrible hangover and was shocked to discover I had somehow become a 50-year old man with bad teeth.

So I have one thing to say to all you spitituality-seekers: ENSLAVE TIBET!!!