We've heard the problem before: you, the average idiot, have absolutely nothing going for you. You lead a wretched and dreary life. You have no personality of your own. What can you do? It seems like a hopeless case but it isn't; We at the Spleen-A-Zine have an answer to all your pathetic little problems. In this new column, we'll be showing you how you can stop being the insignificant loser you now are and start being someone: Start being Josh Brazil! Just do exactly what we tell you and soon you'll have emulated Josh down to the smallest detail!

Josha Brazil: vital statistics  instruments: trap kit, trumpet, etc.  date of birth: September something  birthplace: Liverpool, England  hair: it's black  eyes: red  height: nine feet  favourite colour: chode  likes: Run DMC, rugged individualism, gettin' funky, improving his vocabulary, etc  favorite type of girl: midget

learn Joshspeak! OFFICIAL JOSHA BRAZIL DICTIONARY Sprinkle these words and phrases among your usual garbled mumblings and see what an improvement  it'll make! Polio: a. Extremely good or "down." Examples of proper usage: "Damn these are some polio chitlins." "That mojo thinks he's got the polio or something." Checkpoint charlie: a. Precise or exact A capella: a. Any music that lacks drums

THINGS TO DO: build your own lowrider scooter only drink distilled water get lots of percussion instruments go to the copy machine shop chill collect plankton samples don't read books listen to James Brown over and over on a reel to reel see the movie, Alive watch the discovery channel live at a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere leave all your records at Adam's house dis fools

Josha trivia: did you know... Josh is the grandson of internationally famous Plumbing tyrant, George Brazil! Josh has the same initials as James Brown and hip hop innovaters, the Jungle Brothers!  Josh has never had sex with Liberace... even though he's dead!