ZACK MORRIS & KELLY KAPOWSKI: I was at this party a while
ago when I got some pretty unsettling news about SBTB. I was completely
inebriated but I seem to remember someone telling me that Mark Paul Gosselaar,
the kid who played the scheming Zack Morris, drove a car off a cliff and
died. I don't know if this is really true or not, but if Zack really did
die, it must've 
happened
right after he finally got married to his true love, the good natured Kelly
(on the Saved By The Bell Wedding Special.) Kelly was so devastated by
the death of Zack that she changed her named, moved to Beverly Hills and
became the slutiest bitch on Beverly Hills 90210 and/or Melrose Place.
I just hope that Zack finally got some from her before he died.
JESSIE SPANNO: If things got bad for Kelly after Saved By The Bell, they were worse for poor Elizabeth Berkeley, the actress who played Jessie. Jessie, along with Kelly, left Saved By the Bell after the gang's first of two senior years. Unlike Kelly though, the lanky feminist never re-surfaced on Saved By The Bell: The College Years. On the Saved By The Bell Wedding Special, Zack and Kelly get married in Las Vegas. While they were there, they never saw or even mentioned Jessie, even though she was in Las Vegas working as a stripper. After the SBTB gang graduated from high school for the first time, Jessie got accepted to some nice college, but instead of going, I guess she changed her name and became a Las Vegas stripper (in Showgirls). This guy named DC Fatts told me that Showgirls is the classiest thing Elizabeth Berkeley has been in since she left Saved By The Bell. Apparently, she's been in nothing but pornos. I always thought she was against that sort of thing...
A.C. SLATOR: I have no idea what's going on with Slator at all.
He seems to have disappeared since Saved By The Bell: The College Years
ended (it turned out to be Saved By The Bell: The College Year).
I guess the whole gang dropped out at the same time or something. While
they were 
still
in College, AC had a big trauma because he found out he was Latino (some
Mexican chick filled his head with bleeding-heart psycho-babble). I guess
old AC forgot that his army hawk dad was a cracker. By the way, do you
know what AC stands for? I always assumed it stood for Air Conditioning
or Anal Cunt, but after extensive research I found out that Slatorís first
name is... Alfred Clifford! (In one episode, Slatorís old girlfriend reveals
it!)
LISA TURTLE: Lisa, everyone's favorite token, was always a strange
character. I always liked it when she'd occasionally integrate some jive
talk into her speech. Like, she'd be at the local soda fountain or trying
out for the cheerleading team or doing some other square, white-bred shit,
when suddenly she'd say something like, "Honey, Iís gonnaí kick yoí ass."
That always turned me on. I also liked how a black extra would be introduced
into the plot every time she was going to have a date, and how she played
bass in Zackís pop band, ëZack Attack.í After the gang finished their 
senior
year of high school, they said their final good-byes and got ready to go
off to college, only to be back in high school at the beginning of the
next season. Everyone was back except Kelly and Jessie who were replaced
by this "tough girl" named Tori. Tori wore a leather jacket and soon became
Zackís new chick. They never explained what happened to Kelly and Jessie.
I guess the producers figured that the Saved By The Bell audience was mostly
comprised of 12 year old, teeny bopper chicks who only cared what happened
to Zack, Slator and Screech.
SAMUEL "SCREECH" POWERS: Screech, the only person on SBTB who ever knew what was up, is the only original character left, besides Mr. Belding, who still has a job on the show. By their second senior year of high school, Screech was becoming quite the mack. All his girlfriends were always these chicks wearing horned-rimmed glasses and nerd-garb. I think he even got some from Lisa. Back in the days when the original Saved By The Bell was still being made, Screech was considered 'un-cool' and a nerd, but I think that these days people would call him 'alternative' and think he's pretty funky. After Screech graduated from high school for the second time, he got accepted to Harvard or some other prestigious college, but some how ended up at the Saved By The Bell: The College Years college with Zach, Slator and company. After the College Years went off the air, Screech got a job working as Mr. Belding's right hand man at Mr. Beldingís vacation resort, and then got a job working as Mr. Beldingís assistant principal on Saved By The Bell: The New Class. Screechíll probably be working for Mr. Belding until he's dead.
THE NEW CLASS: Saved By The Bell: The New Class is a pretty pathetic
follow up to the genius of the original cast. They tried to use the same
formula as the original class, (The New Class features 
a
scheming protagonist, a big jock with initials in his name, an all-American
chick, a smart chick, a token black chick and a nerd) but failed miserably
to capture the spirit and warmth of the original Saved By The Bell. The
only people worth watching on The New Class are Screech and Mr. Belding
whose bumbling pretty much carries the show. All of the other characters
are undefined and one-dimensional. I can't even tell who's supposed to
be the main character. The Zack equivalent is a colorless and bland replacement
who doesn't even stop time and speak to the audience aside like Zack did.
It's really a sad ending for such a great show.
THE FUTURE OF SAVED BY THE BELL?: I think they should make a
new Saved By The Bell show with Screech as the main character. The show
would be similar to 'Sienfeld' and would follow Screech's neurotic adventures.
The situation would be that Screech (and possibly a wife) would live in
an apartment with the rest of the SBTB gang (including Mr. Belding) as
his neighbors. It would be kind of sad because Zack wouldn't be on it,
but you have to admit that itíd be cool to see a great comedy team like
Screech and Slator together again. Plus Screech could dress in drag on
every other episode...
| A Saved by the Bell drinking game
This was stolen off of someone else's now defunct (I think) SBTB page. If you are the person who wrote it and you want credit or you want me to remove it from this page, write me. Slater calls Jessie "Momma": 1 drink
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